{"id":678,"date":"2026-06-29T09:49:42","date_gmt":"2026-06-29T09:49:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/localhost\/autismfoundation\/?p=678"},"modified":"2026-07-13T12:37:13","modified_gmt":"2026-07-13T12:37:13","slug":"its-not-help-if-its-not-helpful","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/its-not-help-if-its-not-helpful\/","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s not “help” if it\u2019s not helpful"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

For once, I have written this blog in one go. Writing has been a challenge lately, but over the past few weeks, I have been writing a lot. It\u2019s often pain that triggers my writing, and if that\u2019s what’s going to get these blogs going, so be it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being helpful! What a wonderful feeling that is. We all want to be in a position to help others. Actually, helping anyone is a privilege, but here\u2019s the catch: we often want to help others the way we want, not the way it suits them. You might be thinking, \u201cWhat on earth is Faria on about now?\u201d But take a moment to reflect. How many times have we helped someone exactly the way it suits them? How many times have we asked someone what they need help with? And once they told us how to help them, did we follow exactly, or did we decide to do what suited us best?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a tricky one, isn\u2019t it? Offering help, but on their terms. In all honesty, that\u2019s how it should be because it\u2019s not \u201chelp\u201d if it\u2019s not helpful – this basically means, we aren\u2019t helping others if it\u2019s not on their terms or if it doesn\u2019t help them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve been accused of this in the past and sometimes still am. I was told to my face many times, \u201cWe can\u2019t help you with Afiyah on your terms\u201d. But what everyone missed is that I\u2019m not the one setting these terms; it\u2019s Afiyah and her needs. I\u2019m only advocating on her behalf because I know her best and I am her mother. Afiyah cannot speak, and I am her voice. I know what works best for Afiyah. For example, when people say they want to help with Afiyah, I guide them, and I tell them what to do and how to do it so Afiyah remains calm. Passing on this information is vital to ensure Afiyah\u2019s care plan remains consistent. If you\u2019ve been on any of my trainings, you\u2019ll know how important it is to maintain a consistent approach with Autistic people. But sadly, some family members took my guidance and handover as if I was bossing them around. They took great offence at the fact that I told them what to do and how to do it. They saw this as me being rigid, bossy and wanting help on \u201cmy terms\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, let\u2019s break this down so it\u2019s easier to understand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A family member offers help with Afiyah. I say, yes, please, that\u2019s great. Then I lay down a few pointers. I say, \u201cWhen you come to the house, please don\u2019t knock on the door as that upsets Afiyah\u201d (do read my blog<\/u><\/a> on this to understand why). \u201cPlease leave your handbag in your car, otherwise Afiyah will dig into it\u201d – Afiyah has severe autism and Pica. She puts everything in her mouth. When she sees someone\u2019s handbag, she hopes there will be food in it (yes, she is food-obsessed). So, she\u2019ll go into everyone\u2019s bag searching for food, but in this process, she\u2019ll eat your lipsticks, your perfumes, chewing gums, etc. If you want all your belongings ruined, be my guest; otherwise, please leave your handbag in your car. You get the gist\u2026 there\u2019s a list of instructions to follow to make sure Afiyah doesn\u2019t get distressed, we\u2019re not triggering her behaviour, and we are managing property damage and so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although I am the one giving out these instructions, they are for Afiyah\u2019s and everyone\u2019s benefit. But sadly, people take great offence when I tell them what to do, and I get labelled as bossy and arrogant when I\u2019m simply trying to accept their help, but in a way that\u2019s actually helpful for Afiyah and me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Imagine someone coming into the house with a knock on the door, which has triggered Afiyah\u2019s behaviour, and now she\u2019s banging her head and self-harming because of that one trigger. Imagine Afiyah digging into someone\u2019s handbag and putting a choking hazard in her mouth. Imagine her spraying her mouth with perfume, etc. How is this helpful for Afiyah or me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not just me who gets labelled as a bossy, fussy, arrogant and ultimately \u2018crazy\u2019 mother, it\u2019s every mother who is trying to protect her autistic and disabled child. This is a common scenario in so many houses. Family members and friends fail to understand a child\u2019s needs, and they want to help on their own terms. But the reality is, you can never help anyone, especially an autistic child, on your terms. It has to be what helps the autistic person and their family.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, if you really want to help someone, ask them what you can do and when they tell you, follow that because that\u2019s the only way to help someone in need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To all the bossy and crazy mothers out there, I see you, I hear you, and I am with you \u2665\ufe0f<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hope this blog has enlightened you in some way, and I am sure next time you want to help someone, you\u2019ll know what to do or more importantly, what not to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Until next time, my beautiful and amazing readers. Stay safe and stay blessed \ud83e\udd17<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For once, I have written this blog in one go. Writing has been a challenge lately, but over the past few weeks, I have been writing a lot. It\u2019s often pain that triggers my writing, and if that\u2019s what’s going to get these blogs going, so be it! Being helpful! What a wonderful feeling that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":679,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-678","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-autism-awareness-articles"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/678","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=678"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/678\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":730,"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/678\/revisions\/730"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/679"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=678"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=678"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nhancedigital.com\/design\/autismfoundation\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=678"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}